Since Thanksgiving is this week, I’m posting my Scanner Dorkly column early. Enjoy the bounty of my Pull List. Last week was a week that seemed to have one, single villain against whom everyone seemed to be fighting: The world Wide Web. It’s the scourge of everyone from Nick Fury to Superboy Prime. Here are some of the highlights. Click on the thumbnails for a full-page excerpt.
Bad, old Internet: Marvel edition
Dark Avengers opened with a flashback that revealed how Victoria hand came to be Norman Osborn’s right-hand Hand. It turns out she couldn’t resist mailing off a miffed missive to Nick Fury maligning the main man for failing to fight the War on Terror.
Fury(reading Hand’s letter): Dear Colonel Fury. My name is Victoris Hand. I’m a business-affaird agent working under you.
Agent: What is that?
Fury (continuing to read): …But I feel I must voice my personal disappointment in your ability to make any forward momentum in our war against global terrorism.
Agent: Are you kidding me?
Fury: Wow. Do I need this?
Agent: No, sir.
Fury: You’ll take care of this.
Agent: Yes, sir.
Fury: I specifically don’t go on the Internet to avoid things like this…
Agent: Yes, sir.
Fury: It’s like the Internet is stalking me.
I don’t know why, but the idea of receiving a letter being equated to being stalked by the Internet tickled me like all get out.
Bad, old Internet: DC edition
Meanwhile, in the DC Universe, Superboy Prime remains DC’s prime whipping boy — a point driven home by Black Lantern Alexander Luthor (of Earth-3).
BLAL(E-3) tortures S-P as the latter tries to learn more about what’s happening in the DC Universe proper through his only link to the dimension — comics.
As S-P is scouring the Web for spoilers (he had to scour?) BLAL(E-3) commandeers the mouse
BLAL(E-3): This box. It’s a conduit for rage of the people of this Earth. And you continue to evoke quite a bit of rage from them, Prime. They really do hate you.
Don’t feel too bad, Prime.
They hate everybody.
Save Some Hate for Pink
As much as I love to hear Deadpool talk to the voices in his head, I love hearing Deadpool and his voices and his disembodied zombie-head talk amongst themselves. (I’m not even gonna try to explain it. You’re just gonna have to read it.)
Deadpool: Oh, come on! No Way is Avril Lavigne hotter than Pink. And that “Alone/Lonely” song is awesome. I thought we were supposed to be the same.
Deadpool’s disembodied zombie-head: I was thinking more in terms of which one I’d rather eat. Avril is younger and fresher. Lord knows where Pink has been.
A panel later, the voluptuous Dr. Betty steps out of a hot shower, and all I can say is, if that’s how she looks after stepping out of a hot shower…
…and for the Commies
In Mighty Avengers, several Avengers teams join to fight an ancient Inhuman heel named “The Unspoken” who has released Xerogen gas — which transforms humans into Alpha Primitives. Amadeus Cho has gained access to the contraption spreading the yellow cloud of disaster, but he needs a distraction from Quicksilver so pull off a take-over. Unfortunately, the silver-haired one is being smashed to a pulp by the Alpha-Primitivized U.S. Agent. Luckily, Pietro is as quick-witted as he is fleet-footed:
Quicksilver (to Cho, via radio): …Leave it to me…
Radioactive Man (aiding the Avengers): Bold words from someone being pummeled to death.
Quicksilver: Enough! I know this man. He may be a primitive fool now, but trust me… there’s an even more primitive one inside…
…Walker! If I can’t get to the big man — and fast — THE COMMIES WIN!
U.S. Agent: Hurr?.
Best Use of the Speed Force to Date
As they battle Reverse Flash, Wally West directs a gaggle of speedsters in a new way he learned how to utilize the Speed Force. What is it, you ask? Multi-lateral time travel? No. Counter-current wind vortexes? Uh-uh. Smart lightning? Nope.
Getting Jesse Quick into a pair of short-shorts?
Gotta love that Speed Force. According to Wally, “It’ll give you one heck of a pick-me-up.“
Once again, Ms Quick seems to have been a beneficiary.
Thanks, Speed Force!
Now, see what you can do about making Max Mercury look less like his fashion touchstone, Freddie.
Back to the Internet
I saved the best Internet-as-villain turn for last. The Daily Bugle, like most American newspapers, faces extinction, but unlike any U.S. papers, it has successfully launched a bid for a government bailout. Electro uses the public outcry to become a demagogue.
Of course, the real fiction here lies within people caring about anything that happens where newspapers are concerned. I mean, seriously, wasn’t it downright charming to see anything-but-apathy where print news was concerned?
In an amazing bit of luck, I dug around the Web (natch’) and found the original page before it was exaggerated on behalf on fiction. The original, of course, is much closer to what might have actually happened.